Human Defrag

Life immersed in modern society reaches a tipping point of overwhelm. Holidays, retreats and “time outs” serve briefly; but on return to the rat race, the mind scatters, the body feels battered and the soul just about shatters.

Suppose (like computers) we ran “defrag” programs on ourselves. This would delete all superfluous preoccupation. It would prioritize vital information. It would clear blocks of space. We’d operate efficiently.

This is my third day of feeling like I’m going through a human “defrag”. Here’s what it’s been like so far:

Day One

Mentally, I’m exhausted. There’s this dull headache I can’t get rid of. I’m not thinking of anything much. My head is in a blur. I feel annoyed about pretty much everything, and unable to focus. I want to escape. I lie in bed most of the day. Not sleeping; just avoiding any encounter of any person, thing, or thought.

Day Two

Feeling more alert, but still not interested in interacting with anyone or going anywhere. Seeking meaningful inspiration. Wanting to watch any and every old fairytale-type film and dig for the lessons and meanings behind these repeating stories. Come to the realization that every story is the same: triumph over struggle. Noticing repeating patterns and messages about choices, forks in the road, regrets, going back and putting it right. Wondering how it all relates to my life, but not really connecting the dots.

Day Three

Muzzy head is back, along with a dicky tummy. Pushing myself to do stuff, but not altogether “with it”. Feels like major stuff is continuing to process on all levels, but still no absolute clue what it’s all about. I don’t think I could be trusted to do anything important today, or complete it well. Lacking in patience. Just want to sit and do nothing, and if you know me, you’ll know how inconceivable that is.

Overall

Tomorrow (and the rest of the week) are busy, planned days. I’m certain I’ll cope okay. I just don’t feel fully integrated, transformed, or evolved, yet. I feel like I’m still in a chrysalis stage. I wonder: during the chrysalis stage, does the butterfly know it’s going to become a butterfly? It feels like that next thing is that Big. I don’t yet know what it’s all about. The Universe tends to operate on a “need to know basis”. I guess “time will tell”!

Human Defrag © August 1, 2011 | Annie Zalezsak

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Shifting

I sit in a place of in between. No longer attached to the past; not yet ready for the new. Patiently waiting for what, I do not know. All the old structures have crumbled, no longer able to sustain themselves. Everything I thought I was, revealed as illusion. Where do I go to next?  I feel like I am in a state of life between lives. That place after death: the waiting room; waiting to take on the next role.

A strange situation it is, too. I am here, but at the same time not here. Part of this place, but also strangely removed from it. Family and friends gone, disappeared as though they never existed. It’s as though I have been picked up and placed in another setting, another play. A play not yet revealed. It’s not a scary place, but a strange place; like I’m in a foreign world observing the natives, trying to grasp their language, their rules for life, even. I feel like an intruder, as if I don’t belong; which I no longer do.

I’m not who I was, but as yet not who I am.

A Different Language

I’ve spent sixteen years plus trying to manifest my desires and have just realised that in all the 30-odd years prior to this, I never once used the word ‘manifest’.

The books I read, written by authors from other countries, all use this word. Because I was interested in self-development, I also used this word. But the truth is, unconsciously, it never did sit well with me and I would usually end up disappointed if what I wanted didn’t materialise.

I have a copy of  ‘The Secret’. I have read many books on “the law of attraction”. I have even taught positive thinking and using visualisation to create your dream. But, not until yesterday did I realise that the reason I could not ‘manifest’ was not because I didn’t believe, in the normal sense, or not even because I could not see it or feel it but because – purely and simply – I never had an innate sense of the word ‘manifest’!

Now, when I supplement it with a word that I do know (a word I have used throughout my life), I can see how I have achieved the things I set out to, and from that can achieve the thing I next aim to. Simple! All I have to do is use the word I know, the word I expereince the world with. That word is ‘create’.

I create all that I have. I create all that I am. I create all that I want. This is my word. This is my language. From this, I make sense of my world.

Sixteen years seems a long time to be studying something before I got to this understanding. I wonder what other things I have spent so much time on in life before I could see?

Before you take one more step, check in with yourself. Check in to your real language, you real thoughts and your real beliefs. After all, if we have not truly experienced something for ourselves, can we actually say that we ‘know’ it? Can we really resonate with it?
What are you following that somewhere inside of you does not feel real, does not feel authentic and does not feel YOU?

Point of Reference

In life, most people are guided by something… perhaps a God, an idea, a belief, or a relationship. In all of these, there are rules to learn and to abide by and there are languages to help us understand the game of life. These things are our safety net, they are what we define ourselves by. Should we act outside of these rules, we may fear being alienated, cast out and alone!

We get to know ourselves firstly through our parents/carers, then our siblings, larger family and to the general population. We join groups, sports teams,  organisations, protests and marches. We fight causes that call to us even if we do not know why and we align ourselves to political parties. We live with material success and the need for approval of others. For the most part, we feel a sense of connectedness, of belonging and unity. We get a sense that this is ‘us’, this is what life is all about. All is good.

But what happens when you find yourself without these groups of people, successes, material gain or causes to align with? What do you do when the world has been pulled from right under your feet? Where is that sense of connectedness you felt to those you believed in? Where is that connection if your God is not what you thought it to be, if the ideology you followed turns out to be an illusion? You realise that no matter what you believed, felt, knew or connected to is no longer there. You are adrift without oars or a compass, being carried along without a north star to guide you. What do you do, who do you turn to if there is no one, no thing to turn? 

Can you trust yourself to be your guide? Do you really believe what you know, feel, see or hear as your own truth? Do you trust in your own innate being enough to guide you on? And if you did, what would you be heading towards if all you knew had gone? No goals to follow, no dreams to dream, no place to run or hide. Where would you see yourself ending up?

This is where we need a new reference point, that reference point US (I). A reference point we set ourselves, one that can NEVER be lost. When our frame of reference is set at US – which is and has always been then  never again can we be cast adrift in a sea of lonliness or false living.

It is said that we come back to the very same place we began. We come back to US!!!

I therefore, must be our frame of reference, our starting point, our guide in life and in death. I, is always with us, even when in disguise. If we use this as our guide, then we can know that we will never be separate, can never be alone even when outside of us the world may be falling apart!

Beyond Illusion

I looked beyond the human and in that moment I saw…
I looked into the vastness, and in that moment I knew…
I looked into the depth of my own being, stared fear in the face…
And in that moment I saw beyond all beliefs, all rules, limitations and illusions…
For in that moment I ceased to exist!

Telling the Story of Personal Evolution

Tiny steps.
Ripple effect.
Bravo!
It is all evolving… we are all evolving, at different paces.

Patience.

Telling the Story of Personal Evolution © March 5, 2011 | Annie Zalezsak