Life immersed in modern society reaches a tipping point of overwhelm. Holidays, retreats and “time outs” serve briefly; but on return to the rat race, the mind scatters, the body feels battered and the soul just about shatters.
Suppose (like computers) we ran “defrag” programs on ourselves. This would delete all superfluous preoccupation. It would prioritize vital information. It would clear blocks of space. We’d operate efficiently.
This is my third day of feeling like I’m going through a human “defrag”. Here’s what it’s been like so far:
Mentally, I’m exhausted. There’s this dull headache I can’t get rid of. I’m not thinking of anything much. My head is in a blur. I feel annoyed about pretty much everything, and unable to focus. I want to escape. I lie in bed most of the day. Not sleeping; just avoiding any encounter of any person, thing, or thought.
Feeling more alert, but still not interested in interacting with anyone or going anywhere. Seeking meaningful inspiration. Wanting to watch any and every old fairytale-type film and dig for the lessons and meanings behind these repeating stories. Come to the realization that every story is the same: triumph over struggle. Noticing repeating patterns and messages about choices, forks in the road, regrets, going back and putting it right. Wondering how it all relates to my life, but not really connecting the dots.
Muzzy head is back, along with a dicky tummy. Pushing myself to do stuff, but not altogether “with it”. Feels like major stuff is continuing to process on all levels, but still no absolute clue what it’s all about. I don’t think I could be trusted to do anything important today, or complete it well. Lacking in patience. Just want to sit and do nothing, and if you know me, you’ll know how inconceivable that is.
Tomorrow (and the rest of the week) are busy, planned days. I’m certain I’ll cope okay. I just don’t feel fully integrated, transformed, or evolved, yet. I feel like I’m still in a chrysalis stage. I wonder: during the chrysalis stage, does the butterfly know it’s going to become a butterfly? It feels like that next thing is that Big. I don’t yet know what it’s all about. The Universe tends to operate on a “need to know basis”. I guess “time will tell”!
Human Defrag © August 1, 2011 | Annie Zalezsak